This week I felt utterly defeated — mentally, emotionally, etc. Even my spiritual state had its ups and downs as usual. But you know what? As overwhelming as it was, as desperate as I felt for my prayers to be answered, God came through for me once again. I haven’t felt this dependent on Him in a while. He really showed me that I can only go on with the strength, peace, and grace that only He can provide. This is another time where I truly believe I may not still be here if not for Him. It was that bad. I wish I didn’t feel resentful toward Him, though. Thinking about all the hardships He gave me, I can’t believe my life is actually like this. I’m still in disbelief at the things I’ve experienced, and the scars I’ve also taken on as secondhand burdens for others. Yet I still believe. It’s only made me grow closer to Him.
This age we’re living in, is truly like no other. I’ve had this feeling ever since I was much younger that I would experience unique things. Maybe God was speaking to me in that way. I don’t remember what age I gave my life to Christ, but I can remember always having some sort of dialogue with Him. I wonder if He will return while I’m still on this earth. It would be amazing to experience, but I’m also scared. I keep having constant battles between my flesh and spirit. I keep wanting to choose the things of the world so much of the time. The pandemic has really made this more difficult. I wonder how many Christians are struggling mentally, emotionally, spiritually, etc. I’m scared that my mental health could also get worse. Is it dependent on how much time I spend with God vs. consuming the things of the world? Right now the depression and anxiety that I’m dealing with, it’s been much more manageable with medication. I still feel self-conscious about this, because there are certain Christians who believe that God should be able to heal us completely, and that if we seek out additional help like this, we’re lacking in faith. I hate that. That kind of mindset just feels like shaming. After all, we have doctors to guide our physical health. I’m sure mental health will only become more of an issue as time passes and we get closer to the Lord’s return.
I’m so thankful that I have people looking out for me, who genuinely care for me. I can see it in their faces whenever I’m struggling, and their occasional tears in response to the lows I experience. I wish it didn’t feel like second nature for me to push people away when I need help. How come my pride is so strong? How come I don’t like feeling “weak” or exposed in front of others? Even crying in front of others makes me feel so uncomfortable. I know I’m getting better, I know I’m growing. But still. Growth is always so incredibly uncomfortable. But again, I’m just so thankful. God, You truly gave me peace in my heart this week as I was so lost and hopeless. I couldn’t see a way out. Then You worked through that one person, who spoke Your Words to me:
“The God of peace will soon crush Satan under your feet…” Romans 16:20
Man, hearing these words, soon after I desperately cried out to You in prayer, having no idea how I would get through this difficulty, gave me peace in my heart. It felt agonizing to know that the issue You allowed to happen hadn’t completely gone away. For some reason, it still persisted, just more discreetly. I still don’t completely understand why You allowed it, and what Your plan is in all of this. But I have assurance now of my faith. My unbelief certainly feels much smaller. I’ve been reminded that You truly are alive, and that You are still working in my life. The reason You’ve sent me here seems clearer to me now. Of course I always want to know the answers to the many questions I have for You, but I also know that You have a reason for not showing me the whole picture yet. This uncertainty stacked on top of other uncertainties could be what drives me insane if I focus on trying to gain control. I know I need to fully surrender to You again. I know I need to accept that I won’t have all the answers right now. But I at least hope You will tell me everything when we meet on that day 🙂
Thank You for showing me how loved I am, through the people You’ve placed in my life. I still have a hard time trusting others, even You too. Please help me guard my heart when I need to, and let people in when it’s the right time. Give me discernment and guide my actions and words so I don’t choose my own way. Your plan is greater. Give me patience so I can be still and wait until it’s the right time. Please break down the idols in my life. I need the correct heart posture for the blessings You’ve planned for me to receive. Give me the motivation to seek You first; everything else will follow and You will provide everything for me. Work through me so that I can reach those people You have placed in my life, so You can change their hearts. Even though I get so easily distracted, I truly want everyone to receive salvation. It took some time for me to understand, but now I think I see what my purpose is here in this current field. Help me not to wander. Ground me in Your Word so I follow Your plan. Give me a double portion of Your Spirit so that Your works take place. Help me to focus on the right things, on what truly matters to You. Give me the same heart as Yours, even if it may result in more tears and sorrow upon looking at the state of the world. Make it easier for me to enjoy my time on earth, to enjoy all the blessings You’ve given me. You’ve set me apart for a reason. Help me not be discouraged or easily deceived by Satan. He wants to steal my joy and make me wallow in sadness. He’s just jealous he’s already lost the battle. He knows his time is running out.
You have the victory.
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